CNN: You're doing it wrong

And now... A stupid guy tries to explain "the theory of everything"

Delicious Chalsa

When I was a kid, peanut butter and jelly came in two jars. I know those Smucker's fuckers are trying to create a new category, based on the (probably valid) assumption that people are too lazy to open more than one jar; but I ain't buying it, figuratively or literally.

Especially not on Amazon.

If you're trying to make it in the condiment combination big leagues, you'd at least better come up with a kick ass name. For example...

... not "Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter". How is that the best they came up with?

"Let's see, 1/2 peanut butter, 1/2 jelly. How about Smucker's Goob--" NO! How about Jellynutter? Done.

It's funny how Smucker's tagline is: "with a name like Smucker's, it has to be good" when they can't even name their fucking products.

In case you're wondering: no, I don't care how tasty Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter is. I don't care for the same reason I don't care how bad butter tastes when you mix it with horseradish sauce...

If you jar it up and and call it "Butt Radish sauce", I'm buying it.

And the same goes for chalsa...

More specifically: free chalsa. Free, delicious chalsa, delivered right to your doorstep.

Now, I don't care if chalsa tastes like diapers. It sounds delectable and it costs zero dollars. Besides that, free internet chalsa is a testament to how far we've come as a society. Fifty years ago, who could've imagined the internet, let alone an internet in which one could procure free chalsa by mail?

Imagine what this means for the future? Imagine where we'll be in, say, 2012...?

Oh, hiya!

Oh, shit.

May I shave the baby?

Good.

Flu Shots

A (rather nosey) friend of mine recently asked via email (I have no idea whatsoever why this medium was chosen) whether or not I was vaccinated for H1N1 (I'm not sure if that's the swine or bird variety, but as you'll shorty see, I don't give a fuck.) Yes, I'm aware this is old news. But I literally got this email yesterday, sue me. She's the one who fucked up.

Here's my response:

No. I did not get vaccinated. I am not an infant. I am not over 70. Sure, I got the flu, which sucked, but I survived. Just like the last time I got the flu. In fact, I have never not survived the flu. Imagine that! H1N1 is no more deadly, or sickly, or sniffly, than any other flu. Healthy people get over it. Vaccinations are -- by and large -- a money making scheme created by companies with a vested interest in vaccine sales. If the drug dealers can drum up enough panic each "flu season", they can push more product. (The product, by the way, just gives you a little bit of the flu and leaves it up to your body to eradicate it.) Thanks, Tamiflu, my body does that anyway. For free.

So there's your prudent advice for the next global pandemic. Just contract the damn thing and deal with it. If you die, surely you would've anyway, seeing as how you're a frail, sallow excuse for a human being.