Tuesday, January 29, 2008

One Child Left Behind

I used to think that the stupidest thing anyone could possibly say about a library was to call it a liberry... but I was wrong. Before I explain why, I need to get something off my chest: I don't understand mispronunciation. I'm not talking about words with more than one socially acceptable pronunciation--like Caribbean--I'm talking about words that can only be pronounced one way, yet somehow, a surprisingly vast contingent of idiots has opted to completely ignore the actual letters in the word, and insert their own, giving rise to gems like 'supposably' and 'nucular'.

Like I said, I used to think that people who mispronounced library were the crème de la crème of morons--and they are, I can't take that away from them--but there is a lower rung on the ladder of stupidity. Apparently, there are people so hopelessly feeble-minded that mispronouncing library is not even an option, because they don't know what a library is.

If stupidity were bright like the sun, you'd have to shield your eyes from this:

(click the image to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Selekta has 913 posts. This leads me to believe he was not born yesterday, which is actually pretty troubling. How he was able to repeatedly contribute to an online community over the course of what may well have been years, yet somehow never encountered a library, is totally beyond me.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Take Anything You Want

I've uncovered the holy grail of weirdness.

If you're a Japanese woman who wants to learn English (specifically those phrases useful in the event of a violent mugging by men wearing bandannas) while doing aerobics to a synthesized 80s, fun house soundtrack... well, by God, I've got the video for you.

I sincerely cannot begin to understand why this video was produced. I also sincerely don't give a wet rat's ass because it's probably the best thing I've ever seen.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Have A Dream

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day--and we all know what that means--George Bush had to hang out with black people. And I don't mean Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell. While nothing particularly eventful happened, it got me to thinking: Kanye West was wrong when he said George Bush doesn't care about black people...

Black people just don't care about George Bush.

And then, there's Mitt Romney, who spent the holiday canoodling with parade-goers in Jacksonville, Florida. The trouble is, Mitt Romney can relate to black people about as well as I can relate to victims of female genital mutilation, as evidenced by this well-timed Baha Men reference.

In an earlier post, I referred to Mr. Romney as "the whitest man alive". And if you just heard him say, "who let the dogs out?" I'm sure you'll agree: I was right.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Flying Cars

Why is it that every time someone says "in twenty years we'll have flying cars" they're fucking wrong? I don't get it. We've been talking about flying cars for like 100 years, but we still don't have them. We have planes. We have cars. What's the problem? Scientists have even bred Napoleon Dynamite's favorite animal, a liger, but somehow, they can't put wings on a car.

This clip, from the 1958 Disneyland episode "Magic Highway USA", explores the future of the American highway system. It turns out, in the last 50 years, we've done exactly nothing to make our highways cooler--no automated vehicles, no color coded lanes, no car escalators, no cargo rockets--nothing! What the hell is going on here?

The two biggest highway innovations since 1958 are probably E-ZPass and those little ridges on the side of the road that make your whole car shake like an F5 earthquake when you drift over them. And guess what, highways still look like this:

Thanks, E-ZPass. Way to put the "boo" in tollbooth. This is why we need flying cars; there would be no traffic. Sure, we'd have the occasional mid-air collision, and shards of debris falling from the sky... but we'd get used to it.

There's one thing that I will never get used to, though: lies. In 2005, 60 Minutes ran a story called "Flying Cars Ready To Take Off". But it might as well have been called "Fuck you, America!" because I haven't seen a car in the sky. Ever.

In fact, the newest car making headlines is the Tata Nano, which is so far from a flying car it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty ice-cream scoop. This thing makes minivans look cool. In fact, it's basically just a MINI-minivan, which goes to show, we'll never make a flying car. If making a minivan more mini is the best thing to happen to cars this year, then I'm afraid the closest we'll ever get to flying cars is The Jetsons--which reminds me, we could use some robotic maids, too.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Retirement Home(less)

Three months ago I began contributing to my company's 401(k) plan. I was told that this was a "good idea" and that I needed to take personal responsibility for my "future" since Social Security--total misnomer, apparently--will be all dried up by the time I'm ready to retire.

Though somewhat dismayed, I decided to fork over the cash. I imagined my 401(k) climbing to absurd heights--someday, I figured, I'd need a massive vault for my untold riches. I'd dive into it every morning like Scrooge McDuck. But after three months, when the quarterly statement arrived, here's what I saw:

Not a great start. My personal rate of return is negative 1.8%. In other words, since I've begun "saving" for retirement, I've lost fifteen dollars. At this rate, by the time I'm 65, I'll have like 7 dollars. Factoring in inflation, I'll be lucky to get a pair of sweatpants from the Salvation Army.

At this point, the Ducktails vault seems unlikely.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

High Fashion

If you've ever wondered why they call it "high-fashion" it's because in order to appreciate it (and certainly to have conceived it) you've got to be high.

Just to be clear, I don't mean high like taking a few puffs off a joint. I mean high like shooting black tar heroine directly into your beating heart.

The following photos, from Fashion Week in Milan and Hong Kong, provide ample evidence for my theory.

Designer: Prada
What they were thinking: "Shit. Too plain. Throw a mini-skirt over it."

Designer: Michael Lau
What he was thinking: "What if Hannibal Lector fucked a wicker basket?"

Designer: Rachel Chan
What she was thinking: "Elegant, with a hint of woolly mammoth."

Designer: Emporio Armani
What they were thinking: "Eskimo. No, that's lame. Jet-puffed Eskimo."

Designer: Vivienne Westwood
What she was thinking: "Why are there crickets chirping inside my head?"

Designer: Lim Hyunhee
What she was thinking: "This dress would look magnificent covered in ostrich shit."

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tourettes Commentary

After a two game losing streak, the Boston Celtics have fallen to a dismal 30-6, a mere 10-and-a-half games above Toronto in the Atlantic division. I’m no expert, but I don’t think the Celtics have been 10 games ahead of another team since Grover Cleveland was president.

Whom can we thank for this success? The answer is not what you might think. Watch this 30-second highlight reel from ESPN to find out. (Note: the answer comes about 27-seconds in.)

MITT ROMNEY!? Why the hell did he just yell "Mitt Romney" when Garnett threw down a dunk? Granted, he’s the former governor of Massachusetts... but Mitt Romney? When Garnett dunks? I just don't see the correlation between the whitest presidential nominee ever, and a 7-foot black man.

That's why I've come up with this comprehensive list of which candidate’s name ESPN announcers must shout illogically during Sportscenter, and when.

In tennis, an errant serve nearly kills the line judge: Hillary Clinton

When the only black guy in the NHL scores: Barack Obama

Bob Knight throws a chair and/or strangles a player, opposing coach, or referee: Fred Thompson

Two (or more) outfielders collide, missing the ball; a go-ahead run scores: John Edwards

A fat NFL lineman hobbles off the field with an ankle sprain: Mike Huckabee

In NASCAR, when there's a horrible car accident: Ron Paul

A golfer decimates a nest full of baby birds when his drive goes off course: Rudy Giuliani

In figure skating, when someone executes a flawless triple-toe-loop, then flubs a simple lutz: Dennis Kucinich

Brett Favre suffers a concussion, comes to, and thinks he's on Star Search: John McCain

Monday, January 14, 2008

Oh Heavens

If you took the book of Genesis, a Babylon 5 script, and L. Ron Hubbard's diary, and threw it all in a blender, the resulting pulp will more or less resemble the Mormon creation myth.

It's that awesome.

While the Mormon version doesn't make half as much sense as Darwin's theory, it's at least twice as funny. Which evens things out in my book.

If you disagree with evolution, that's totally fine by me. At least as long as your version of the "facts" is a hell-of-a-lot funnier and/or involves aliens. But if you're serious, and you try to get all sciencey, you're probably just going to end up looking like a jack-ass... like this guy:

One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it.

Yeah! Take that, science. Unless there's a giant outside source supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy--


He must have forgotten about that source of energy. Which is understandable... I mean, it's just a GI-FUCKING-GANTIC ball of flaming gas that lights up the sky EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Up Shit's Creek Without A Brain

Have you ever looked at a toilet and sincerely thought, "Gee, what's that for?" If you're able to read these words, you probably haven't. That's why when I saw this sign, allegedly posted above a toilet in Cambodia, I knew something was amiss.

If you need a sign to tell you not to squat atop a slippery porcelain pot filled with steamy feces, you've probably got bigger problems than falling into a toilet. I'm willing to bet anyone who has seriously considered this, has also considered jamming a fork into an electrical outlet.

You'd think sitting on a toilet would be pretty intuitive. It's basically a chair, after all. But the truth is, if someone went to the lengths of designing, printing, and posting an actual warning sign, someone must have already squatted on a toilet seat (and most likely fallen in.)

And when I say someone, I mean this guy...

RIP, my man. And thank you for not reproducing.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Friday, January 11, 2008

Holy Shit...

Quick! Someone get this dog's ass on ebay.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Cloverfield Monster

Fanboys haven't been this excited since George Lucas announced The Phantom Menace. Everywhere I go, every time I open a magazine, everyone is talking about the Cloverfield monster, like it's Britney Spears' latest love child. It's (apparently) such a big deal that the trailer has prompted TENS of movie-dorks to break out their spy kits and start looking for clues, as if J.J. Abrams accidentally forgot to cut the monster from the trailer; and as if the fact that no one knows what the "monster" looks like isn't the only reason anyone is going to see this crappy movie.

ATTENTION MOVIE NERDS: This isn't a fucking Where's Waldo book. There is no monster hidden in the trailer.

Alas, the search goes on...

One site--which is particularly hilarious, I might add--is entirely devoted to Cloverfield and the mysterious monster. It's aptly called "What's Cloverfield?" and it's written by "a guy writing about Cloverfield to learn better english" (his words, not mine.)

Below, I've reproduced what is by far the best post on the site. I've also underlined a few sentences which caused me to projectile spew my coffee Saved-By-The-Bell-style all over my keyboard.

You'll have to click the image to read it. It's well worth it.

My favorite part has to be the update within an update that totally debunks the initial update. Keep the dream alive, buddy. English is a tough one to master, but not as hard as comedy... and you've got that down pat.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Wal-Mart Cake

This is why Wal-Mart sales associates should not be asked to answer phones and operate icing at the same time.

I can just imagine the phone call...

Caller: Hi there, I'd like to order a cake.
Wal-Mart Guy: K. Lemme get some icin'.
Caller: Um... alright...
Wal-Mart Guy: K. Ready!
Caller: Best wishes Suzanne...
Wal-Mart Guy: Beessttt Wiiiiissshheeesss Suuuuuzzzaaannnnee. And then?
Caller: And underneath that... we will miss you.
Wal-Mart Guy: Under neat dat we will mis you. Ok, thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart, I mean calling at Wal-Mart. Would you like some birfday candles or a ciminon air freshener today?
Caller: Uh... no, just the cake. Thanks.
Wal-Mart Guy: O.K., bye Suzanne. We will miss you.

I love this country.

Sticky Situation

A 10-year old Mexican boy was so adamant about not returning to school after Christmas break that he glued his hand to his bed.

Clearly, this kid doesn't need to go to school. He's already a genius. There were a lot of days in my childhood where I would have rather watched The Price is Right than go to school, but I never thought of gluing my hand to my bed. And if the thought had occurred to me, I probably would have done some lame shit like use a glue stick, or scotch tape. If I was really on the ball I might have tied a lamp to my wrist. But it would have backfired, and I'd have to walk around all day with a lamp dangling from my arm.

But not young Diego. He went straight for the industrial stuff.

His plan worked so well that his mother was forced to call the police for help. Unfortunately, the authorities freed him in time for class. But I think Diego learned his lesson. Next time, he'll take bath in concrete.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Iron My Shirt

Yesterday, during a Clinton rally at Salem High School, two protesters waving signs started yelling "Iron my shirt!" at poor Hillary. You know... because she's a woman.

It turns out, these guys weren't ordinary protesters. Nope. They were retards.

Okay, that's unfair. Only one of them was actually a retard. The other was just an idiot. Apparently, some crappy Boston-area radio show that no one has ever heard of called "Toucher and Rich" was responsible. A few of their trusted lackeys, Adolfo Gonzalez, an associate producer, and Nick Gemelli, a mentally-challenged intern, were the brilliant minds behind the stunt. And all things considered, it was a rousing success.

By "rousing success" I mean "somehow no one got tazed".

When questioned, 21-year-old Adolfo told reporters that his name was "Hugh Jas". Which is actually kind of funny, I'll admit. But then, I realized it was probably just a last ditch effort to conceal his true identity, and more importantly, his MySpace page, in which he refers to himself as "Captain Fun" and admits he's a Republican who's never had a girlfriend.

There isn't really a moral to this story. But if any of my readers in the 617 see Captain Fun, do me a favor and yell at him.

"Flip my burgers!" will do.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Limbo Skating

CNN took a break from obsessing over Hillary Clinton today to talk about something of vast importance: a skinny, six-year-old Indian boy who roller skates under parked cars. No. I am not making this up.

Little Aniket, who looks like a flying squirrel with an eating disorder, is hoping to break his own world record by "limbo skating" under 100 parked cars. Last March he took home the unofficial world record by skating under 57 cars in 45 seconds; now he's ready to up the anti.

I know what you're thinking. And yes, "holy shit" is a valid response to that picture. The best part of the story, however, is when one of the CNN anchors breaks into the report midway and admits, seeming truly upset, "that is weird... I'm sorry."

When asked why 100 cars, Aniket said, "I want a record no one can beat for a long time." Well, your record is safe with me. I don't think I could limbo skate under an overpass.

You can watch the video here. You won't regret it.

Thursday, January 3, 2008


Meet Elwood. The ugliest dog of all time 2007.

As if it had to be official, he literally won a contest to that effect. Elwood's owner, some moonstruck woman from New Jersey, was delighted by the win, but maintained, "I think he's the cutest thing that ever lived." I wonder what her husband looks like.

Allegedly, Elwood is a two-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix. His face, however, tells a different story.

Apparently Darth Vader wasn't the only one with illegitimate children. Either that, or somewhere a Gremlin is having its way with the Taco Bell dog.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Urinal Games

The act of pissing has lost its luster. There was a time in my life when peeing was like an adventure. I'd use the toilet for target practice, taking tiny steps backward as I whizzed away, trying desperately to increase my distance and accuracy. In the winter I'd giggle with delight as the warmth of my pee melted away the pristine snow. But at 24, I've seen it all. Now I just stand there.

About a year ago I pitched the idea of "urinal games" to some uppity NYC ad execs. Despite my enthusiasm, and painstakingly intricate presentation, they weren't impressed. As I stood in solemn silence before a bland, white urinal during a bathroom break, I mused, "maybe urinals will just never be fun?" But today, when I heard that bars in New Mexico were installing talking urinal cakes that spouted off about drunk driving when soaked with warm, alcohol-laden urine, my humble quest for urinaltainment was at long last renewed.

Imagine a world where every urinal was like ESPN Zone. There would be flashing lights, high-score boards, and fully-stocked bars to ensure that piss flowed indefinitely. Play for free, and piss on Osama bin Laden; or, pop in a quarter, and let the games begin! Honestly, if I'm just standing there mindlessly pissing, why not make a game out of it? Why not go in a clown's mouth, like that game at carnivals where you have to be the first one to pop the balloon? Why not shoot moving targets? Why does pissing have to be so dull? I predict the coming years will bare witness to a stunning evolution of the urinal. New Mexico has taken an important first step. And sure, we're getting there...

But we've got a long way to go.