Monday, November 10, 2008

Help A Virgin

As up to ten of you may recall, when Greenpeace gave the public naming rights to one of its precious whales, this very website, and many others like it, tipped the scales to ensure it didn't get a lame name like Kaimana. And thanks to you, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, Mr. Splashy Pants is tooting his blowhole, surely the envy of lesser, lamer whales, with much more meaningful tribal names.

Now, I've come to you again. This time, not to name a whale, but to get some poor bastard laid. Naturally, a guy like me, with a heavily-trafficked weblog about nothing, doesn't have this sort of problem. But not all of us are so lucky. Some of us need to make "real" websites and attract 5 million unique visitors before our friends will screw us.

According to his site: "I made a bet with a friend of mine (my only friend who knows about this situation, and who is, by the way, very pretty): If I get 5 million unique hits for this website until New Year's eve, she's going to "help". It's exactly what you're thinking! If I can't do it, I'll have to do anything she wants for a whole month."

If you're asking "where's the site" or, "how can I help", congratulations, you have an irrational emotional need to help virgins. And you're very kind. But I assure you, anyone who understands both the psychology behind the "help a virgin" traffic-hording scheme, and the complex programing required to pull it off, will never get laid anyway. So, instead, check out the many, many "help a virgin" ripoffs, widely available by Googleing it.

Oh, fuck it. I cave. I know this is like throwing bread to pigeons, but help this fake virgin, if you must. Or this other one. Or this allegedly dying one. I'm sure they could use the ass traffic.


Jenni said...

This is so uncool. =P I'd go all crazed Feminist on you if I were one.
As with most things, I blame MTV and the internet.

Evan said...

luckily it's total BS.

Heather and Rob said...

I'm glad this is fake. Virginity is a sacred thing that should be disposed of properly. In a poorly lit college apartment on the bathroom floor for example. But definitely with a scented candle for romance... I recommend sandal-wood or maybe bonfire...

Jenni said...

Wow....I guess I really am inncocent and trusting....Sorry about that!

And I'm agreeing with Heather and Rob....not to go all angry ranting on you all, but I'm disgusted with youth and the media acting like it's just FINE for a 12 year old girl to look 17, or that it's FINE for a person to have multiple sex partners before they are 21, let ALONE married.

I could go on, but it's just a disgusted rant of people. So I wont taint your blog with them. I promise!