Monday, March 10, 2008

The Audacity Of Pigeons

Fuck pigeons.

These rash little motherfuckers seem to have conspired against me city-wide. You probably think I'm joking. "Oh that's funny. Pigeons don't conspire," you'll say. No. It's not funny. And yes, they do. I swear upon all that is holy, at least once a day, a pigeon flies two inches over my head without warning. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of their poor judgment and utter disregard for my safely. I'm also sick of their white, pasty shit falling from the sky--but that's another story.

Listen pigeon, if I'm walking down the sidewalk, and you're pecking away at a morsel of rye, there is no reason--I repeat: NO REASON--to flip out, flap your wings frantically, and take off like a scud missile in the direction of my face.

I don't deserve this. Please stop.

If one more of you reckless, irresponsible bastards so much as jostles a hair on my head, I'll be forced to plant bread crumbs soaked in arsenic around the city. Either that, or I'm going to get a hat fitted with those anti-roosting bird spikes. Maybe getting impaled will teach you to calm the fuck down.


Shana said...

How awesome is "Deter-a-Pigeon" as a brand name??

Evan said...

I was very unhappy when I realized Deter-A-Pigeon does not KILL them. It just makes sure they don't land. Reprehensible.

Nickolaus Mueller said...

Just be glad you don't have to pass through St. Mark's square in Venice every day.

Evan said...

Oh, I've been there. Luckily, it floods every year. So at least one day out of 365 is more or less pigeon-free.

Jenni said...

I came across your blog from the Mental_floss Facebook list page, and this post had me dying. I think you're right! Pigeons and other birds have evil intentions. I think Geese conspire against me, and when I was arguing this fact with someone last Spring when a gaggle of them were nearby, one took off and flew a mere foot from my head, and I hit the dirt. What nerve of these birds! Don't pigeons and geese know better that they are very tasty when braised? (For pigeons circa the year and country where they were eaten regularly) I think you need to attach fly paper to a hat and see what happens. Terrifying for you and the bird, but I think it would be hilarious, and perhaps make an example out of the attached pigeon.

Evan said...

Fly paper isn't a bad idea. But I don't think pigeons care about their brethren. Have you ever seen a dead pigeon? More often that not, it's being pecked incessantly by a live pigeon--IN THE EYE SOCKET. This does not bode well for their sense of morality, or caring.

kk said...

1) Pigeons do conspire.

2) Arsenic soaked breadcrumbs might not be a bad idea.

3) Except they may become immune to aresenic, because

4) Pigeons are the Devil's henchmen. Most of them are immortal. Probably.

Evan said...

I think that might be true, Sis.

Funny thing: yesterday a pigeon COWERED in fear when I walked by. It literally tucked itself into this little nook on the side of the street.

Maybe the word is out?