Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Good Christian Values

Sarah Palin talks a lot about two things—Real America and Christian values. Unfortunately, she has no conception of either. She acts as if Jesus would have loved America; like he would have come to fucking Wasilla on vacation.

Let me tell you something. If Jesus ever came to America, first he’d wonder why half of the people who say they love him so much watch Nascar all day, and have absolutely no clue what he actually taught. Then, he’d be like, “Fuck this place, I’m going to Canada.”

Sarah Palin and Jesus have about as much in common as that bear from the Snuggles fabric softener commercials has with Jeffery Dahmer. And I'll prove it...

In Matthew 5:40, Jesus said:
“And if any man will try to take away your coat, let him have your cloak also.”

In a Neiman Marcus department store, Sarah Palin said:
“Oooh, gosh, a Louis Vuitton coat? That’s nifty. Let me have the matching bag.”

In Luke 14:13, Jesus said:
“When you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you.”

In a rally, Palin said:
“When you give tax cuts, also, too, make sure to give ‘em to Joe the Plumber, Bobby the Investment Banker, and Abdullah the Saudi Oil Baron, and you will be blessed, because they’ll fund your run for president in 2012!”

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus said:
“I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you.”

In a TV interview, Sarah Palin said:
“I say unto that Hussein Obama guy, stop pallin’ around with terrorists all the time. Pretty lame. Plus, also, I don't want my kids—Trig, Track, Piper, Fork, Crispy and Zamboni—growing up with that one as their president."

As a side note, remember in the Bible where Jesus was all like, "love thy neighbor" and "do unto others" and stuff? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he didn't mean "fly around in a helicopter and shoot defenseless wolves with a high-powered rifle."

11 comments:

ReL said...

Your site has me increasingly confused about its own political affiliations. I'm beginning to think this site is anything but politically neutral. Is this a liberal thing in disguise? Sure the quality of the writing is fantastic, but what ever happened to old-fashioned non-partisan journalism?

Heather and Rob said...

Sounds non-partisan to me! Just promise that next time Obama decides that the most pressing issue facing us is dehydrated babies you'll do a post on it, ok? Or when he pays a make-up artist more than his foreign policy adviser, or when he picks a third grader as his running mate... Keep it up E. We're all glad you're back!

Evan said...

rel-- non-partisan journalism? what the hell do you think this is -- fair and balanced? -- this ain't fox, buddy. plus, you may recall when i outed obama as a crack smoking gigolo?no?

heather and rob-- i'll keep you guys posted! when obama talks about dehydrated babies, i will so be johnny on the spot. and, thanks, good to be back.

Anonymous said...

ain't a red america, no blue america, just one united states and america!

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