Beverly Hills Chihuahua

According to the upfront title card, the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua was approved by the MPAA for "all audiences." There's clearly been a mistake. All audiences is pretty broad. It includes the young and old, the rich and poor, and every shape, size and color in between. And I assure you, this trailer isn't fit for any of the above.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua is Disney's latest forey into steaming bullshit that even children can't appreciate. The trailer begins with a sweeping, overhead shot of the ancient Aztec empire. Majestic Mesoamerica: the falls, the mountains, the stone step pyramids. Then, we hear the raspy drawl of a narrator: "My name is Bobby. I am descended from an ancient line of proud warriors. My ancestors went into battle alongside Aztec soldiers... " So we're clear, your great, great, great, great, great grandfather was named Montezuma, but your name is Bobby? Questionable, at best.

Shortly thereafter, we find out Bobby is a chihuahua. And then we learn he and his kin have infiltrated the highest rungs of society--the elite of Beverly Hills, apparently--before breaking into a creepy synchronized dance routine slash salsa/rap song. And that's about all I can tell you, because my eyes started watering, and I think I had a mild brain aneurysm.

The MPAA may approve of this trailer, but don't. You should probably sit down for this.



When I came to, thinking hoping it was all a bad dream, I decided to investigate. I assured myself it was just an elaborate hoax. But then I came across the poster for the film. And read the tagline: 50% warrior. 50% lover. 100% Chihuahua. That's when I 100% considered jumping out of my office's 8th floor window.


I guess the only question is, what will they think of next? Oh, that's right, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.

The Cloverfield Monster

Fanboys haven't been this excited since George Lucas announced The Phantom Menace. Everywhere I go, every time I open a magazine, everyone is talking about the Cloverfield monster, like it's Britney Spears' latest love child. It's (apparently) such a big deal that the trailer has prompted TENS of movie-dorks to break out their spy kits and start looking for clues, as if J.J. Abrams accidentally forgot to cut the monster from the trailer; and as if the fact that no one knows what the "monster" looks like isn't the only reason anyone is going to see this crappy movie.


ATTENTION MOVIE NERDS: This isn't a fucking Where's Waldo book. There is no monster hidden in the trailer.

Alas, the search goes on...

One site--which is particularly hilarious, I might add--is entirely devoted to Cloverfield and the mysterious monster. It's aptly called "What's Cloverfield?" and it's written by "a guy writing about Cloverfield to learn better english" (his words, not mine.)

Below, I've reproduced what is by far the best post on the site. I've also underlined a few sentences which caused me to projectile spew my coffee Saved-By-The-Bell-style all over my keyboard.

You'll have to click the image to read it. It's well worth it.
My favorite part has to be the update within an update that totally debunks the initial update. Keep the dream alive, buddy. English is a tough one to master, but not as hard as comedy... and you've got that down pat.