Urinal Games

The act of pissing has lost its luster. There was a time in my life when peeing was like an adventure. I'd use the toilet for target practice, taking tiny steps backward as I whizzed away, trying desperately to increase my distance and accuracy. In the winter I'd giggle with delight as the warmth of my pee melted away the pristine snow. But at 24, I've seen it all. Now I just stand there.

About a year ago I pitched the idea of "urinal games" to some uppity NYC ad execs. Despite my enthusiasm, and painstakingly intricate presentation, they weren't impressed. As I stood in solemn silence before a bland, white urinal during a bathroom break, I mused, "maybe urinals will just never be fun?" But today, when I heard that bars in New Mexico were installing talking urinal cakes that spouted off about drunk driving when soaked with warm, alcohol-laden urine, my humble quest for urinaltainment was at long last renewed.

Imagine a world where every urinal was like ESPN Zone. There would be flashing lights, high-score boards, and fully-stocked bars to ensure that piss flowed indefinitely. Play for free, and piss on Osama bin Laden; or, pop in a quarter, and let the games begin! Honestly, if I'm just standing there mindlessly pissing, why not make a game out of it? Why not go in a clown's mouth, like that game at carnivals where you have to be the first one to pop the balloon? Why not shoot moving targets? Why does pissing have to be so dull? I predict the coming years will bare witness to a stunning evolution of the urinal. New Mexico has taken an important first step. And sure, we're getting there...


But we've got a long way to go.

The Case For Hoboween

Am I the only one who thinks there should be Halloween for the homeless? I’ll probably never run for office, but if I do, instituting Homeless Halloween will be the only item on my agenda.

Allow me to explain. This past Halloween, as dozens of plump children pranced jovially from door-to-door collecting free candy, it occurred to me, just a few blocks away, some homeless guy was probably scraping three-day-old mozzarella cheese off a pizza box for dinner. I was overcome with the urge to find this person, disguise him as Spiderman, and send him off into the night to trick or treat. He’d eat for weeks!

In a perfect world, the homeless could celebrate Halloween on October 31st with the rest of the children, but that wouldn’t fly. Just imagine the consequences:

A homeless guy dressed like Sponge Bob Square Pants raps on a door impatiently. A little girl, dressed as Cinderella, and her older brother, Borat, approach the house. The homeless guy glances at Cinderella caustically. Tears begin to well up in her eyes. The front door swings open, revealing a smiley middle-aged woman with rosy cheeks.

Sponge Bob: Trick or treat!!

Borat & Cinderella: Trick or treat for Unicef!

Woman: Aww, how adorab—

Sponge Bob: Fuck Unicef! Gimme some damn pennies, I’m starvin’ bitch.

As you can see, Hoboween, as it will inevitably come to be known, will need to take place on a separate day. Perhaps during a colder month, like February.

In the weeks leading up to Hoboween, the ingenuity of the homeless community will shine through. We’ll see intricate costumes, crafted with care by skilled homeless artisans from recycled refuse cast aside by wasteful home-dwellers. As recycling and general philanthropy will be main tenets of Hoboween, it will be heralded as our nation’s first truly humanitarian, green holiday. We need Hoboween. Now, more than ever before. It will be a chance for homeless people to get a free meal, and for self-satisfied pricks to feel like they’re contributing to society. But most of all, even if only for a single night, it will ensure that this guy puts some fucking pants on. And I think that’s a cause we can all get behind.

Better Never, Than Late

One of my biggest pet peeves is when I think of something brilliant that already exists. It happens to me all the time. Some would say, "maybe your ideas aren't that brilliant." Unlikely. Maybe too many things exist. My latest stroke of genius proves it.

Have you ever hated someone so much you wish you could shit on their face? Me too. That's why I invented George W. Bush toilette paper. I even had a tagline "Wipe away that stupid smirk." The only problem is, someone already invented it. Figures.