Delicious Chalsa

When I was a kid, peanut butter and jelly came in two jars. I know those Smucker's fuckers are trying to create a new category, based on the (probably valid) assumption that people are too lazy to open more than one jar; but I ain't buying it, figuratively or literally.

Especially not on Amazon.

If you're trying to make it in the condiment combination big leagues, you'd at least better come up with a kick ass name. For example...

... not "Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter". How is that the best they came up with?

"Let's see, 1/2 peanut butter, 1/2 jelly. How about Smucker's Goob--" NO! How about Jellynutter? Done.

It's funny how Smucker's tagline is: "with a name like Smucker's, it has to be good" when they can't even name their fucking products.

In case you're wondering: no, I don't care how tasty Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter is. I don't care for the same reason I don't care how bad butter tastes when you mix it with horseradish sauce...

If you jar it up and and call it "Butt Radish sauce", I'm buying it.

And the same goes for chalsa...

More specifically: free chalsa. Free, delicious chalsa, delivered right to your doorstep.

Now, I don't care if chalsa tastes like diapers. It sounds delectable and it costs zero dollars. Besides that, free internet chalsa is a testament to how far we've come as a society. Fifty years ago, who could've imagined the internet, let alone an internet in which one could procure free chalsa by mail?

Imagine what this means for the future? Imagine where we'll be in, say, 2012...?

Oh, hiya!

Oh, shit.

Foot In Mouth?

Say what you will about his politics, but he's got solid reflexes.

You Know The Answering Machine Message You Just Left Is Absurd When...

It ends up on the internet.

1) Don headphones.
2) Behold: the funniest thing you'll hear today.

So... did he get the job... or?

Hungry Hungry Hippos

You know you're a dwarf when... A yawning hippo accidentally swallows you.

Happy Heat Awareness Day!

According to the National Weather Service (which is never ever almost always wrong), today is Heat Awareness Day in New York City. I just checked the weather report; it's 71 degrees. That's warm, at best. Doesn't seem to warrant a holiday. I think 80 justifies heat awareness. Not 71. But I've decided to observe, despite the utter lack of heat to be aware of. Why? I figure if this whole global warming thing ever comes to fruition, Heat Awareness Day is going to be HUGE. Like Christmas. Or Law Day. And I want to look back and say I was there. I was part of the first Heat Awareness Day. It was legendary: 71 degrees, overcast, with a 40% chance of precipitation. But I'll make it sound way more bad ass. "I survived the heat wave," I'll explain to my grandchildren, as they look to me in wide-eyed wonderment. "It was so hot the clouds started to cry."

Chest Bumpin'

And you thought the Navy couldn't get any gayer...


"Stick your butt out, cadet! For the camera."

"Yes, Mr. President!"

"A little further, you motorboatin' sonuvabitch."

The Love Bug

Wilt Chamberlain is perhaps the NBA's most prolific player. He's the only one to have scored 100 points in a game. He's won rebounding and assist titles. He's appeared in 13 all-star games and won two NBA titles. And he's even authored books and appeared in awesomely bad Schwarzenegger films like Conan the Destroyer. Yet his most notable accomplishment--and the one that's most oft quoted--is the fact that he's slept with 20,000 women.

Then, there's Edward Smith. A man you've probably never heard of. He hasn't won any awards. And he sucks at basketball. He is, however, encroaching on one of Wilt's records--only not with women... with cars.

That's right. Ed likes to fuck automobiles. In fact, he's been caressing cars since the age of 15. Currently, he's got a steady, live-in girlfriend: Vanilla. A white Volkswagen Beetle. But he's not one to settle; Ed's had sex with over 1,000 cars. Most recently, a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash that he calls Ginger.

I guess the only question left--aside from how the hell he does it--is why? Why cars?

According to Ed: "When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it. There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving."

Loving? I swear cars don't need anything. Except maybe gas and the occasional tune up. They certainly do not need Ed's greasy dick shimmying in and out of the tailpipe. I don't care how loud the engine is purring. It's not telling you to stick it in.

Shit-And-Run

Uh, oh...
Click image to enlarge
Let recap: A homeless man broke into the HOMELAND SECURITY offices in BROAD DAYLIGHT on a FRIDAY AFTERNOON. And then, he took a dump in, not one, but SEVERAL rooms before escaping without a trace (or is it skid mark?)

He must really hate our freedom.

It's Pork, Suckers

If you happen to be extremely high right now, the idea of a bacon infused lollipop probably doesn't seem like such a bad idea. But I'm sober. And I can tell you with absolute certainty: it's a bad idea. It's a very bad idea. But that didn't stop the crack-team over at Lollyphile, developers of the self-proclaimed "least kosher lollipop in the history of candy," the Maple-Bacon-Lollipop.

And you thought Americans were fat enough.

The last time I craved meat-wrapped candy was, well... pretty much never. But since they're only 52 dollars for a package of 36, I'll take none. Thanks Lollyphile, don't quit your day job. Oh, wait. You already did. And you started a company called Lollyphile. Here's the back-story, from their website's about section:

"We started waaaaaay back around Halloween of 2007 when we found ourselves with a lot of absinthe and no candy. One thing led to another, and we ended up getting picked up by a few candy boutiques and building a website, which got way more business than we'd ever expected it would."

No shit. Your business started with a bottle of absinthe and no candy. So you were drunk/hallucinating and decided, "hey, let's put some pork on a lollipop." And now you're rich 'cause a bunch of idiots are willing to pay $52 for a box of pork-pops.

I don't care what you say. That's the American Dream.

Barack Oblowjobs

Meet Larry Sinclair: toothless crack head. He claims to have met Obama in an upscale Chicago lounge in 1999. After they danced the night away, or something, he invited Barry back to his limo, where he performed oral sex, and gave Obama some crack. Let his 1 minute and 42 seconds of fame commence right... NOW.



Since most people don't believe toothless, unshaven hobos who smoke crack, Larry--perhaps aware of this--offered to take a polygraph test, even though no one asked. For some reason, whitehouse.com (not to be confused with whitehouse.gov, though that's exactly what they want you to do) took him up on the offer. Larry was asked two questions. First, "Did you perform oral sex on Obama in 1999?" to which he answered "Yes", and second, "Are you lying when you say you performed oral sex on Obama in 1999?" to which he answered "No". So what were the results?
(Click image to enlarge)
There you have it. A score of -3 or below indicates deception, and he scored -15. That's like taking the SATs and getting a zero (which is only possible if you manage to answer every single question wrong AND fail to spell your name correctly.) If these results surprise you, and you genuinely believe Barack Obama may have put his wang is this dudes mouth, then I know this Nigerian guy who'd love to deposit millions of dollars into your bank account. He keeps emailing me about it.

The Top Ten Weirdest Online Dating Websites (And What Their Slogans Should've Been)

If you're married, but have an exigent urge to cheat on your spouse, look no further than the Ashley Madison Agency. It's just like match.com... only for home wreckers. With 1.7 million members, I think it's safe to say, the oft touted "sanctity of marriage" has been officially demoted on the totem-pole of righteousness. For those of you keeping track, it can now be found just below the "sanctity of calling shotgun" to claim the front seat in the car. But that's neither here nor there. The real story is Ashley Madison's slogan: When Monogamy Becomes Monotony.

It's perfect. But it got me to thinking: what if all online dating sites (even the really creepy, niche ones; ok, who am I kidding, just the really creepy, niche ones) had better taglines?

Well, in honor of St. Valentine, albeit five days late, I give you: The Top Ten Weirdest Online Dating Websites (and what their slogans should've been.)


Sugar Daddy
Current Slogan: Where the classy, attractive and affluent meet.
New Slogan: Where shameless gold diggers meet clueless rich dudes.

Daily Diapers
Current Slogan: The world's largest site for adult babies, adult diapers, diaper fetish, infantilism, plastic pants and adult baby clothes.
New Slogan: Hey, you shit in your pants too? Let's go out!

Date My Pet
Current Slogan: Date Me. Date My Pet.
New Slogan: We can't openly condone bestiality, but you get the idea.

Farmers Only
Current Slogan: Farmers, Ranchers, Ag Students & all of Agriculture, Horse, Livestock Owners & all Animal Lovers, Cowboys, Cowgirls, Rodeo Fans and Country Wannabes
New Slogan: Two words: barn sex.

Meet An Inmate
Current Slogan: Lonely Attractive Inmates in the USA Seek Penpals
New Slogan: Experience the joy of prison companionship (minus the painful anal rape.)

Tallmeet
Current Slogan: Where tall friends and singles feel at home!
New Slogan: Because you’d crush normal-sized-people.

Nerd Passions
Current Slogan: Boldly eschewing the shackles of conventional popularity, Nerd Passions is a place to embrace your nerdiness!
New Slogan: (Pretty much anything in Elfish and/or Klingon will do.)

H-Date (Herpes Dating)
Current Slogan: Time to starting dating again...
New Slogan: Join the ceespool!

Pot Partner
Current Slogan: Find your smokin' match.
New Slogan: Because no one else really understands Funions.

Republican Singles
Current Slogan: A community to meet the "Right" person.
New Slogan: Being wrong about everything never felt so "Right".

My Tiny Hero

Being the strongest dwarf in the world is a lot like being the fastest snail. No one cares. But that doesn't stop pint-sized bodybuilder Aditya 'Romeo' Dev, who is, by the looks of this photo, scarily serious about his trade.


You'll notice, he's just about eye-level with his trainer's balls. But don't let his stature, or his lifelong proximity to testicles fool you, 'cause he can lift, count 'em, TWO 1.5 kg dumbbells. If you just did the math, or you know what a kilogram is, you're probably thinking, "hey, that doesn't sound like much." Which, I have to admit, is exactly what I thought.

But then I saw Romeo standing next to what I can only assume is a toothpick...


And his trainer holding him up like an Oscar statuette...


And him struggling, like a constipated Sumo wrestler, to lift what look to be the same weights they give to old women during pool aerobics...


And I was convinced. He is the strongest midget in the world. And then I realized, being the strongest midget in the world is like being the fastest snail. No one cares. But Romeo, if you're reading this, I want you to hang in there. Once Howard Stern catches wind of you--and believe me, he will--you'll be getting more ass than you can handle.

Transfatass

Mississippi--or, as I like to call it, America's Jellyroll--has a proposed bill that would effectively make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese people. You can read all about it, here. I understand the thinking, don't get me wrong, but do legislators really think they're going to solve anything? Banning fat people from restaurants is like banning crazy people from the 1AM time-slot on the Public Access channel. If fat people can't eat in public, they'll order in. And if they order in, by virtue of not having to get off their fat ass to walk to a restaurant, they're going to get fatter. And if they get fatter, who is going to do all the afternoon talk show specials about fat people getting air lifted out of their houses when they become too big to fit through the front door? Clearly they haven't thought this through. Maury Povich is only one man.

Buckle Up, It's The Law

So here's the scenario. You're in a car. You're wasted. And you've got two of your most prized possessions: your infant child and a case of cold beer. Despite your dangerously high blood alcohol level, you've nominated yourself to drive. You figure it's the safest option--beer can't drive, and the baby can't see over the steering wheel. So here's the question: Do you buckle up the baby? Or the beer?

If you said "the baby", well, you're half right. But don't get excited, you're also half dickhead. Babies go in car seats, they don't belong strapped behind a seatbelt like Sean Penn on a lethal injection table.

If you said "the beer", first off, you're probably an alcoholic. And while you might have already known that, you may not know that you're in an elite class of morons, "like, such as" Mike Tyson, Miss Teen USA: South Carolina, and Tina Williams, the gloomy-looking woman pictured below. She's gloomy, of course, because she's in jail. And she's in jail because she chose to buckle up her beer instead of her baby daughter. While drunk driving. You can see for yourself, here.


Lastly, if you said "wait a minute... don't cars have MORE THAN ONE FUCKING SEATBELT?" realizing, she could have just buckled both, congratulations, you're probably smarter than a 5th grader. Maybe you could win a million dollars.

Take Anything You Want

I've uncovered the holy grail of weirdness.

If you're a Japanese woman who wants to learn English (specifically those phrases useful in the event of a violent mugging by men wearing bandannas) while doing aerobics to a synthesized 80s, fun house soundtrack... well, by God, I've got the video for you.



I sincerely cannot begin to understand why this video was produced. I also sincerely don't give a wet rat's ass because it's probably the best thing I've ever seen.

Too Much Lasagna, Garfield

Wal-Mart Cake

This is why Wal-Mart sales associates should not be asked to answer phones and operate icing at the same time.


I can just imagine the phone call...

Caller: Hi there, I'd like to order a cake.
Wal-Mart Guy: K. Lemme get some icin'.
Caller: Um... alright...
Wal-Mart Guy: K. Ready!
Caller: Best wishes Suzanne...
Wal-Mart Guy: Beessttt Wiiiiissshheeesss Suuuuuzzzaaannnnee. And then?
Caller: And underneath that... we will miss you.
Wal-Mart Guy: Under neat dat we will mis you. Ok, thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart, I mean calling at Wal-Mart. Would you like some birfday candles or a ciminon air freshener today?
Caller: Uh... no, just the cake. Thanks.
Wal-Mart Guy: O.K., bye Suzanne. We will miss you.

I love this country.

Sticky Situation

A 10-year old Mexican boy was so adamant about not returning to school after Christmas break that he glued his hand to his bed.

Clearly, this kid doesn't need to go to school. He's already a genius. There were a lot of days in my childhood where I would have rather watched The Price is Right than go to school, but I never thought of gluing my hand to my bed. And if the thought had occurred to me, I probably would have done some lame shit like use a glue stick, or scotch tape. If I was really on the ball I might have tied a lamp to my wrist. But it would have backfired, and I'd have to walk around all day with a lamp dangling from my arm.

But not young Diego. He went straight for the industrial stuff.

His plan worked so well that his mother was forced to call the police for help. Unfortunately, the authorities freed him in time for class. But I think Diego learned his lesson. Next time, he'll take bath in concrete.

Iron My Shirt

Yesterday, during a Clinton rally at Salem High School, two protesters waving signs started yelling "Iron my shirt!" at poor Hillary. You know... because she's a woman.



It turns out, these guys weren't ordinary protesters. Nope. They were retards.

Okay, that's unfair. Only one of them was actually a retard. The other was just an idiot. Apparently, some crappy Boston-area radio show that no one has ever heard of called "Toucher and Rich" was responsible. A few of their trusted lackeys, Adolfo Gonzalez, an associate producer, and Nick Gemelli, a mentally-challenged intern, were the brilliant minds behind the stunt. And all things considered, it was a rousing success.

By "rousing success" I mean "somehow no one got tazed".

When questioned, 21-year-old Adolfo told reporters that his name was "Hugh Jas". Which is actually kind of funny, I'll admit. But then, I realized it was probably just a last ditch effort to conceal his true identity, and more importantly, his MySpace page, in which he refers to himself as "Captain Fun" and admits he's a Republican who's never had a girlfriend.

There isn't really a moral to this story. But if any of my readers in the 617 see Captain Fun, do me a favor and yell at him.

"Flip my burgers!" will do.

Limbo Skating

CNN took a break from obsessing over Hillary Clinton today to talk about something of vast importance: a skinny, six-year-old Indian boy who roller skates under parked cars. No. I am not making this up.

Little Aniket, who looks like a flying squirrel with an eating disorder, is hoping to break his own world record by "limbo skating" under 100 parked cars. Last March he took home the unofficial world record by skating under 57 cars in 45 seconds; now he's ready to up the anti.


I know what you're thinking. And yes, "holy shit" is a valid response to that picture. The best part of the story, however, is when one of the CNN anchors breaks into the report midway and admits, seeming truly upset, "that is weird... I'm sorry."

When asked why 100 cars, Aniket said, "I want a record no one can beat for a long time." Well, your record is safe with me. I don't think I could limbo skate under an overpass.

You can watch the video here. You won't regret it.