Delicious Chalsa

When I was a kid, peanut butter and jelly came in two jars. I know those Smucker's fuckers are trying to create a new category, based on the (probably valid) assumption that people are too lazy to open more than one jar; but I ain't buying it, figuratively or literally.

Especially not on Amazon.

If you're trying to make it in the condiment combination big leagues, you'd at least better come up with a kick ass name. For example...

... not "Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter". How is that the best they came up with?

"Let's see, 1/2 peanut butter, 1/2 jelly. How about Smucker's Goob--" NO! How about Jellynutter? Done.

It's funny how Smucker's tagline is: "with a name like Smucker's, it has to be good" when they can't even name their fucking products.

In case you're wondering: no, I don't care how tasty Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter is. I don't care for the same reason I don't care how bad butter tastes when you mix it with horseradish sauce...

If you jar it up and and call it "Butt Radish sauce", I'm buying it.

And the same goes for chalsa...

More specifically: free chalsa. Free, delicious chalsa, delivered right to your doorstep.

Now, I don't care if chalsa tastes like diapers. It sounds delectable and it costs zero dollars. Besides that, free internet chalsa is a testament to how far we've come as a society. Fifty years ago, who could've imagined the internet, let alone an internet in which one could procure free chalsa by mail?

Imagine what this means for the future? Imagine where we'll be in, say, 2012...?

Oh, hiya!

Oh, shit.

The Misunderestimated President

In a few short days President Bush will hoof it back to Crawford and revert to his true calling: semi-pro brush-clearer. For all intents and purposes, his would-be presidential legacy has been reduced to a steaming pile of elephant shit. All thanks to a floundering economy. Well, that and a few other minor hitches. Point is, Bush II will probably never be remembered as the trailblazing, war president; rather, he'll be known as the guy who didn't stop reading a children's book to a class of 1^st graders when a gigantic plane flew into the WTC, and stood by idly as the housing market crumbled into an equally large heap of rubble. What I've just described, however, is merely a version of reality.

According to "The Bush Boom", authored by Gary Busey (could it really be anyone else?), everything is just fine. Bush didn't fuck the economy up; he fixed it! We're boomin'. We're on the up-and-up. We're... not totally and completely fucked, we're just thinning the economic herd. Now, admittedly, the book hasn't been getting the best reviews on Amazon. The bad reviews outnumber the good by a margin of 2-to-1. Silly union workers. However, there have been several glowing 5-star reviews, like this one:

“Finally! A book that proves the existence of an alternate universe. Obviously, a rip in the space/time continuum between this universe and the other universe where Bush is presiding over a 'boom economy opened up and this book fell through. Can there be ANY other explanation?”

See! Bush didn't -- wait, what? Ironclad proof of an alternate universe? I guess the legacy is back on track; it's only a matter of time before he tries to take credit for this one.

Foot In Mouth?

Say what you will about his politics, but he's got solid reflexes.

Through The Wire

Page Six reports, for the first time... well... ever, probably, Ann Coulter has shut her mouth. Apparently, her jaw had to be wired shut after some sort of accident yesterday. Who knew blowing hot air was so dangerous?

In any event, she'll have to skip out on Thursday's all-American glut-fest, and spew her hateful bullshit via sign language, or something. Which is all well and good. Unless you hate the Jews, too, in which case, here are some classic Coulter moments to share with your friends and family this holiday season -- permitted that your friends and family are Neo-Nazis. 

An Open Letter To Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe Wurzelwhateverthefuck,

As of tonight, Joe, your services are no longer required. Don't get me wrong, feel free to continue snaking all sorts of rank shit out of Ohio's plugged-up toilets and septic systems. The state's flatulent masses need you. Just don't start your own business, or write a book, or run for Congress, or record a crappy country western album, or sign on to anchor a show on Fox News alongside that creepy Sean Hannity guy, 'cause there's a new Redistributionist in Chief coming to Washington... and you, my friend, are shit outta luck.

Except for the 'shit' part, obviously. You'll never be shit outta shit. As a plumber, there will always be plenty of feces. But I don't need to tell you that.

But don't be sore, Joey P. Sure, it sucks to be you. And also, too, Palin. And McCain. And all those red states that Barack Obama doesn't think exist. But on the bright side, for the rest of us -- the overwhelming electoral majority of us -- it feels pretty damn good to say at last...

Barack Obama is President-Elect of the United States of America.

Good Christian Values

Sarah Palin talks a lot about two things—Real America and Christian values. Unfortunately, she has no conception of either. She acts as if Jesus would have loved America; like he would have come to fucking Wasilla on vacation.

Let me tell you something. If Jesus ever came to America, first he’d wonder why half of the people who say they love him so much watch Nascar all day, and have absolutely no clue what he actually taught. Then, he’d be like, “Fuck this place, I’m going to Canada.”

Sarah Palin and Jesus have about as much in common as that bear from the Snuggles fabric softener commercials has with Jeffery Dahmer. And I'll prove it...

In Matthew 5:40, Jesus said:
“And if any man will try to take away your coat, let him have your cloak also.”

In a Neiman Marcus department store, Sarah Palin said:
“Oooh, gosh, a Louis Vuitton coat? That’s nifty. Let me have the matching bag.”

In Luke 14:13, Jesus said:
“When you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you.”

In a rally, Palin said:
“When you give tax cuts, also, too, make sure to give ‘em to Joe the Plumber, Bobby the Investment Banker, and Abdullah the Saudi Oil Baron, and you will be blessed, because they’ll fund your run for president in 2012!”

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus said:
“I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you.”

In a TV interview, Sarah Palin said:
“I say unto that Hussein Obama guy, stop pallin’ around with terrorists all the time. Pretty lame. Plus, also, I don't want my kids—Trig, Track, Piper, Fork, Crispy and Zamboni—growing up with that one as their president."

As a side note, remember in the Bible where Jesus was all like, "love thy neighbor" and "do unto others" and stuff? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he didn't mean "fly around in a helicopter and shoot defenseless wolves with a high-powered rifle."

8 Years Later

About Face

If you're going to say to your wife, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." You probably shouldn't plaster on the makeup like a trollop. You hypocrite.

In September alone, McCain paid Tifanie White, TV makeup artist for "So You Think You Can Dance" and "American Idol," a total of $8,672.50 to plaster makeup on his droopy, old kisser. And thank God. I can only image what he looks like without makeup...

Woof.

Iranistan

If you haven't yet seen this, enjoy: palinaspresident.us. Just don't touch the red phone!

Guttural Reaction

When asked to detail his economic policy in last night's final debate, McCain said bluntly, "My friends, I know how to fix the economy, I have thirteen cars. I have eight homes. I swallow golden pills that make my... you know what? Just check this out." Then, McCain began to dry heave, muttering something about how it's harder to get the golden egg to come up, than down. As Obama turned to leave, Bob Schieffer pointed out, "You're not a goose, John," to which McCain quickly spouted, "You're damn right I'm not Goose, I'm Maverick."

Palintology

Matt Damon is scared of Sarah Palin. And not because she reminds him of a pit bull. No, he's afraid that if John McCain wins the election, he'll die of old age as he's being sworn in, and the U.S. will be left in the hands of a woman who thinks dinosaurs roamed the earth alongside humans.

But just because Sarah Palin doesn't understand things like fossils, or the obvious genetic differences between dogs and hockey moms, does not mean she should be feared. In fact, to her credit, in the historical town of Bedrock, cavemen rode brontosauruses like horses. They had saddles and everything. So the jury's still out on that one... even though Sarah Palin probably doesn't know what a jury is, and definitely can't name a single Supreme Court case aside from Roe v. Wade.

You know what though? I can let all that slide. My real issue, honestly, is that Sarah Palin went to college for journalism, and claims to have perused "a vast variety of sources," but somehow, cannot name a single magazine or newspaper that she has ever read.

See it, and weep:



There you have it. Would-be journalist/could-be vice president, Sarah Palin, can't name a single newspaper. Luckily, I can name six newspapers, and I have a hunch which one she's been reading this whole time. It's called The Onion. Apparently, "America's Finest News Source."

All I have to say is, good luck with the debate. And by "the debate", of course, I mean good luck pronouncing "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" on live television. It's way harder than "The Onion."

A Fist Terrorist Jab

The night Obama secured the Democratic nomination he gave his wife a celebratory fist pound. I assumed the gesture meant something along the lines of "we did it, honey." But I'm no expert. You know who is an expert? Good old Whitey McCluless at Fox News. She declared it a "terrorist fist jab", and all I can say is: Thank God someone's paying attention.


With Obama making all sorts of terrorist fist jabbing motions on live television, it sort of makes you long for the days of Al Gore sucking Tipper's face in front of everybody. Okay, maybe not "long for", but you get where I'm going. A little tongue never hurt anyone.

On a side note, Fox News has yet to mention President Bush's "terrorist chest bump" with the naval cadet at commencement. Maybe tomorrow.

Dehydrated Babies

When the Republican nominee for president says "dehydrated babies", you listen. Get ready for the most unusual six seconds of your life:



Will someone make this man leader of the free world already? I mean come on! The other candidate (Osama, is it?) hasn't even addressed this shit! Forget socialized medicine. The war. The impending recession. Get these dehydrated babies some goddamn bottled hot water. And it better not be lukewarm, or like, room temperature. Everyone knows thirsty babies only drink scalding water. Out of bottles.

Seriously, though. Alzheimer's is a serious issue. I shouldn't be making fun of a crazy old man. He needs support. And lots of pills. And probably some hot bottled water to wash them down.

Happy Law Day!

What? Law Day?

That's right. Law Day. Fuck May Day anyway, right? Today, George W. Bush declared:

"In accordance with Public Law 87-20, as amended, I do hereby proclaim May 1, 2008, as Law Day, U.S.A. I call upon all the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities. I also call upon Government officials to display the flag of the United States in support of this national observance."

Is it just me, or should a man who's committed as many crimes as Bush not be allowed to invent holidays about obeying laws? He asked Americans to "renew our commitment to the ideals on which this great Nation was established and to a robust system of ordered liberty."

In case you were wondering, "ordered liberty" is Orwellian for "you're free to do as you're told." Now I wasn't a big fan of laws before, so maybe I'm biased, but if you ask me, George W. Bush proclaiming Law Day is like a haggard old prostitute declaring STD Awareness Day. And I'd sooner trust a lady of the night than I would a Yale graduate you can't speak in public without smirking like a four year old.

[Source: The White House]

Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely

At a recent NATO summit meeting, President Bush received a warm greeting from the world's leaders.

And by "warm greeting" I mean he stood there alone, daydreaming about crinkle-cut french fries, while everyone else was having the best time ever.

[Via: Some German site that I can't read]

Shit-And-Run

Uh, oh...
Click image to enlarge
Let recap: A homeless man broke into the HOMELAND SECURITY offices in BROAD DAYLIGHT on a FRIDAY AFTERNOON. And then, he took a dump in, not one, but SEVERAL rooms before escaping without a trace (or is it skid mark?)

He must really hate our freedom.

Really Crude Oil

The price of gasoline hit an all-time high today. According to Reuters, "The rise in pump prices comes as crude oil vaults to new peaks near $110 per barrel amid an increase in speculative investing in commodities and concerns that world energy consumption will outpace new supply."

I have no idea what that means. But I do know this:

$110 a barrel. 20 gallon tank. Carry the 1... I'd say the price to fill up an SUV today is roughly equivalent to 45 seconds with one of Governor Eliot Spitzer's whores.

Now, I sort of understand paying $4.00 per gallon on gas. It's basically the same as a gallon of milk. And squeezing utters is a whole lot easier than drilling oil wells in the middle of the desert. Especially with all the bullets whizzing by. But 5 grand an hour for a hooker? That's just absurd. It's 2008. Hookers are free. It's called Craig's List: Casual Encounters, Governor... or should I say Eliot?

He hasn't officially resigned, but Google's already replaced him. And Google pretty much knows everything.

Score One For Decrepit Old People!

John McCain secured the Republican nomination last light with victories in Texas and Ohio. He even had this big sign that said "1191". I'm not sure if that's his age or the year he was born, but either way, he's pushing a millennium.

In other really-old-white-guy news, Larry King attempted to move gracefully on national television. As it turns out, teaching Larry King how to dance is like trying to teach a quadriplegic to walk. He looked like a robot with a short circuit. At one point, when Janet Jackson attempted to pry his stiff, ossified arm from the side of his lifeless body, he mumbled, with a discernible hint of despair, "I'm a struggling Jew" before giving up altogether. If you watch one video for the rest of your life, make it this one:



Interestingly, the feeling I get when I watch Larry King dance is the same feeling I got when John McCain kissed his wife after his victory speech: some things are just not meant for public consumption.

Barack Oblowjobs

Meet Larry Sinclair: toothless crack head. He claims to have met Obama in an upscale Chicago lounge in 1999. After they danced the night away, or something, he invited Barry back to his limo, where he performed oral sex, and gave Obama some crack. Let his 1 minute and 42 seconds of fame commence right... NOW.



Since most people don't believe toothless, unshaven hobos who smoke crack, Larry--perhaps aware of this--offered to take a polygraph test, even though no one asked. For some reason, whitehouse.com (not to be confused with whitehouse.gov, though that's exactly what they want you to do) took him up on the offer. Larry was asked two questions. First, "Did you perform oral sex on Obama in 1999?" to which he answered "Yes", and second, "Are you lying when you say you performed oral sex on Obama in 1999?" to which he answered "No". So what were the results?
(Click image to enlarge)
There you have it. A score of -3 or below indicates deception, and he scored -15. That's like taking the SATs and getting a zero (which is only possible if you manage to answer every single question wrong AND fail to spell your name correctly.) If these results surprise you, and you genuinely believe Barack Obama may have put his wang is this dudes mouth, then I know this Nigerian guy who'd love to deposit millions of dollars into your bank account. He keeps emailing me about it.

Fear-Mongering For Dummies

As if being named Barack Hussein Obama weren't bad enough, the Drudge Report picked up this photo of the Democrat frontrunner, dressed as a suicide bomber Somali Elder. The picture, circulated by the Clinton campaign, shows Obama during a visit to Wajir, Kenya (not, contrary to a Fox News report, in a dank Afghani cave.) Obama's campaign manager, David Plouffe, slammed the Clinton campaign for what he called “shameful offensive fear-mongering.”

Maybe I missed something, but since when is shameful offensive fear-mongering frowned upon? And another thing, what kind of name is David Plouffe? Plouffe sounds like one of those stupid words copywriters make up to describe how soft diapers are. Campaign managers need to be tough; they need to fight back. When your opponent releases a photo of you wearing a turban you don't accuse them of fear mongering, you release a photo of them wearing a turban! Jesus. This isn't rocket science.


Obama, you can thank me later. Preferably with a low-stress cabinet position (you know, like Director of FEMA or something.) Oh, and for the general election, here's some fodder:

If McCain nuzzling into Bush's chest like love-starved puppy isn't enough to get a Democrat in office, then I'm afraid nothing is.