Redundant

Isn't any book about Intelligent Design the "complete idiot's guide"?

Good Christian Values

Sarah Palin talks a lot about two things—Real America and Christian values. Unfortunately, she has no conception of either. She acts as if Jesus would have loved America; like he would have come to fucking Wasilla on vacation.

Let me tell you something. If Jesus ever came to America, first he’d wonder why half of the people who say they love him so much watch Nascar all day, and have absolutely no clue what he actually taught. Then, he’d be like, “Fuck this place, I’m going to Canada.”

Sarah Palin and Jesus have about as much in common as that bear from the Snuggles fabric softener commercials has with Jeffery Dahmer. And I'll prove it...

In Matthew 5:40, Jesus said:
“And if any man will try to take away your coat, let him have your cloak also.”

In a Neiman Marcus department store, Sarah Palin said:
“Oooh, gosh, a Louis Vuitton coat? That’s nifty. Let me have the matching bag.”

In Luke 14:13, Jesus said:
“When you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you.”

In a rally, Palin said:
“When you give tax cuts, also, too, make sure to give ‘em to Joe the Plumber, Bobby the Investment Banker, and Abdullah the Saudi Oil Baron, and you will be blessed, because they’ll fund your run for president in 2012!”

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus said:
“I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you.”

In a TV interview, Sarah Palin said:
“I say unto that Hussein Obama guy, stop pallin’ around with terrorists all the time. Pretty lame. Plus, also, I don't want my kids—Trig, Track, Piper, Fork, Crispy and Zamboni—growing up with that one as their president."

As a side note, remember in the Bible where Jesus was all like, "love thy neighbor" and "do unto others" and stuff? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he didn't mean "fly around in a helicopter and shoot defenseless wolves with a high-powered rifle."

Oh Heavens

If you took the book of Genesis, a Babylon 5 script, and L. Ron Hubbard's diary, and threw it all in a blender, the resulting pulp will more or less resemble the Mormon creation myth.

It's that awesome.

While the Mormon version doesn't make half as much sense as Darwin's theory, it's at least twice as funny. Which evens things out in my book.

If you disagree with evolution, that's totally fine by me. At least as long as your version of the "facts" is a hell-of-a-lot funnier and/or involves aliens. But if you're serious, and you try to get all sciencey, you're probably just going to end up looking like a jack-ass... like this guy:

One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it.

Yeah! Take that, science. Unless there's a giant outside source supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy--

Oh...

He must have forgotten about that source of energy. Which is understandable... I mean, it's just a GI-FUCKING-GANTIC ball of flaming gas that lights up the sky EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Jewblivious

Marketing smoked ham to Jews for Chanukah is like trying to peddle iPod shuffles to the deaf.


Photo taken at Balducci’s on 8th Ave and 14th Street, on 12/2, by NancyKay. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say they’re not a kosher establishment.

For Your Edutainment

Darwin's Theory of Evolution, which is almost universally accepted in the scientific community, propounds that all life, from the chimpanzee to the banana, arose from a "primordial soup" teaming with microbes and other primitive life. Over hundreds of millions of years, species began to evolve through a process Darwin called "natural selection", whereby favorable traits--such as not looking like a fucking ape--were more likely to get you laid, and therefore, more readily passed on to future generations.

And since women prefer clean-shaven guys with good posture to disturbingly hairy, hunched-over monkey-men, homo sapiens eventually came out on top. And as they say, the rest is history.


Like I said, it's a theory.

But does Darwinian evolution really make sense? Did we really evolve from monkeys, and before that, from soup? Or is the truth so mysterious, so mind-bogglingly profound, that only a select few can even begin to comprehend it?


Imagine if you took the book of Genesis, a Babylon 5 script, and L. Ron Hubbard's diary, and threw it all in a blender. The resulting pulp would more or less resemble the Mormon creation myth. If you don't believe me, watch the Mormon Theology Cartoon at "GodTube". I swear. It's totally unbiased.

Other than Peter Pan, the Mormon version of creationism is probably my favorite story all time. It has everything: magic, intergalactic warfare, space aliens, and "endless celestial sex" between God and his gaggle of wives. Here's the basics:

God is an astronaut. The Virgin Mary was actually not a virgin. Upon his resurrection, Jesus came to America (yes, the United States of America) to spread the truth among the Indians. Nonbelievers turned black. And once all was well, 1,700 years later, God chose a prophet from upstate New York to discover the true history of the universe so that the Mormon religion might one day stake its claim to the great state of Utah.

Say what you will, but in my humble opinion, you can't make that shit up.

When it comes to the mystery of creation, I'll take the galactic mumbo-jumbo over Precambrian gumbo any day. If nothing else, it makes for better textbooks.