Friday, February 29, 2008

An Open Letter To February 29th

Well, well, well... Look who finally decided to show up on the calendar. Fucking deadbeat.

Of all the things that happen once every four years, you, February 29th, are undoubtedly the worst. The earth has one job: Revolve around the sun. But since it can't do that properly, we have to add a day onto the calendar once every four years. You are that day. You realize this, don't you? You're a mistake, February 29th! A technicality.

My real issue is not with you, though; it's with your people. You know who I'm talking about. The leap babies. Every time I meet one of your snooty, unfunny offspring, I'm reminded why I hate you. Did you know that it requires an unhealthy amount of self-restraint on the part of humanity to smile and nod when one of your bastard children exclaims his age, as if it's really funny when he says he's turning 6 when he's actually 24? Well it does. When your people were 8, and they told people it was their second birthday during show and tell, it was cute. When they're 40, and they joke about being underage to the bartender, it's sad and pathetic. And you're responsible.

You're also fucking up the month song. Bigtime. It starts off like a fucking Dickens novel, but then you come along and ruin it.

Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November;
All the rest have thirty-one
Except February alone:
Which has twenty-eight 3 years in four,
Till Leap Year gives it just one more.

Are you kidding me? You need half the song to explain that? When I have kids, and I teach them the month song, it's gonna be different. None of this Leap Year favoritism. It will end, "except for February, because the Gregorian calendar is a piece of worthless shit."

That's about it, I guess. See you in four years.

Warm regards,

P.S. I don't recall anyone asking for an extra day in February. Ever. It's fucking cold, asshole. If you want your own special day, the least you could do is come back in the spring.


IM Able said...

I offer this amendment...

Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November;
All the rest have thirty-one;
Fuck February.

Alliteration at its finest.

Evan said...

I agree.

If you click the hyperlink about the song it takes you to a page full of elitist leap year songs that make me cringe. We should start a hate-mail campaign.

Paul said...

At least we're not using the Jewish calendar, which occasionally has an entire leap MONTH! And there's absolutely no imagination in naming it. either. It's Called Adar II ('two'), cuz it's inserted after the normal Adar. Get it? Personally I'd prefer "Son of Adar," but that's just me.

Anonymous said...

what about those new york giants?!

Evan said...

what about them?

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