Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Stupor Tuesday

Thousands of Virginians took to the polls yesterday, in a frantic attempt to exercise their voting rights. Unfortunately, Virginia's primaries are next week. I think we should get something clear. If you don't know what day your primary is, and you show up to your polling location a week early, you must go home, curl up in the fetal position, and try your luck again in four years. According to the Washington Post, more than 700 people called the Virginia State Board of Elections to ask, "Why aren't my polls opened, and where do I go to vote?" Here's an actual transcript of one of the calls.[1]

Confused Voter: Hi, my polling station is closed.
Elections Official: Yes, that's correct. The primary is on the 12th.

Confused Voter: So where do I go?

Elections Official: You don't go anywhere. The primary is on the 12th, Ma'am.

Confused Voter: The 12th what?

Elections Official: Um. The 12th of February.

Confused Voter: But it's Super Tuesday!

Elections Official: Ugh... Listen, Ma'am, here's what I'll do. Just tell me who you want to vote for, and I'll add it to the list.

Confused Voter: Really?

Elections Official: Sure. Why not.

Confused Voter: Okay, then. Mike Huckabee!

Elections Official: Okee-dokey. You're all set.

Confused Voter: Oh, good. Really?
Elections Official: Nope.


Believe it or not, the voters of Florida make that caller look like a Rhodes Scholar. The Sunshine State's Election Board fielded over 100 calls yesterday. Which is funny, because Florida already voted. Last week. Just try telling that to the decrepit, hobbling, Alzheimer's patients, eager to partake in Super Tuesday's electoral festivities. The worst part: half of them still think their favorite New Yorker, Rudolph-No-Neck-Giuliani, is in the race. Oh, well. There's always next year four years from now.

Oh wait. They'll all be dead.

[1] Oh, I mean fake transcript.

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