For Your Edutainment

Darwin's Theory of Evolution, which is almost universally accepted in the scientific community, propounds that all life, from the chimpanzee to the banana, arose from a "primordial soup" teaming with microbes and other primitive life. Over hundreds of millions of years, species began to evolve through a process Darwin called "natural selection", whereby favorable traits--such as not looking like a fucking ape--were more likely to get you laid, and therefore, more readily passed on to future generations.

And since women prefer clean-shaven guys with good posture to disturbingly hairy, hunched-over monkey-men, homo sapiens eventually came out on top. And as they say, the rest is history.


Like I said, it's a theory.

But does Darwinian evolution really make sense? Did we really evolve from monkeys, and before that, from soup? Or is the truth so mysterious, so mind-bogglingly profound, that only a select few can even begin to comprehend it?


Imagine if you took the book of Genesis, a Babylon 5 script, and L. Ron Hubbard's diary, and threw it all in a blender. The resulting pulp would more or less resemble the Mormon creation myth. If you don't believe me, watch the Mormon Theology Cartoon at "GodTube". I swear. It's totally unbiased.

Other than Peter Pan, the Mormon version of creationism is probably my favorite story all time. It has everything: magic, intergalactic warfare, space aliens, and "endless celestial sex" between God and his gaggle of wives. Here's the basics:

God is an astronaut. The Virgin Mary was actually not a virgin. Upon his resurrection, Jesus came to America (yes, the United States of America) to spread the truth among the Indians. Nonbelievers turned black. And once all was well, 1,700 years later, God chose a prophet from upstate New York to discover the true history of the universe so that the Mormon religion might one day stake its claim to the great state of Utah.

Say what you will, but in my humble opinion, you can't make that shit up.

When it comes to the mystery of creation, I'll take the galactic mumbo-jumbo over Precambrian gumbo any day. If nothing else, it makes for better textbooks.