Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I Shit You Not

If you're like me, you've always wanted your shit to glow in the dark like a Lite-Brite. Unfortunately, corn and peanuts just don't cut it. They give it some texture, sure, but there's no sizzle. No spark. I'm happy to say, those days are over. Thanks to the fine people at Citizen:Citizen, you can kiss your dull dung goodbye. They've invented a 24-karat golden pill that makes your shit sparkle like Tinkerbell when she's feeling generous.

If you thought your life changed when you hit puberty, you ain't seen nothin' yet. After taking the gold pill, people will literally worship the ground you fart on. They'll chant "El Dorado" when you use public restrooms.

The Wizard of Oz will be remade in your honor, staring one of your finest golden-studded turds as the great and powerful Oz. And when the Munchkins sing "follow the yellow brick road" they'll be leading Dorothy on a journey through your flaxen, twinkling digestive tract. You're poop will be everywhere. On billboards. In commercials. Cross-merchandised with McDonald's Kid's meals. Even in a Lord of the Rings made-for-TV-spin-off, in which Gollum's illegitimate son resurrects the search for his precious. Only now, "his precious" is none other than YOUR MAGNIFICENT ASSHOLE! You see, the gold pill, like all great inventions—the wheel, sliced bread, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots—will not be fully appreciated in its own time. But mark my words, someday, sooner than you think, we'll all be shitting (gold) bricks... one way or another.


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