Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Urinal Games

The act of pissing has lost its luster. There was a time in my life when peeing was like an adventure. I'd use the toilet for target practice, taking tiny steps backward as I whizzed away, trying desperately to increase my distance and accuracy. In the winter I'd giggle with delight as the warmth of my pee melted away the pristine snow. But at 24, I've seen it all. Now I just stand there.

About a year ago I pitched the idea of "urinal games" to some uppity NYC ad execs. Despite my enthusiasm, and painstakingly intricate presentation, they weren't impressed. As I stood in solemn silence before a bland, white urinal during a bathroom break, I mused, "maybe urinals will just never be fun?" But today, when I heard that bars in New Mexico were installing talking urinal cakes that spouted off about drunk driving when soaked with warm, alcohol-laden urine, my humble quest for urinaltainment was at long last renewed.

Imagine a world where every urinal was like ESPN Zone. There would be flashing lights, high-score boards, and fully-stocked bars to ensure that piss flowed indefinitely. Play for free, and piss on Osama bin Laden; or, pop in a quarter, and let the games begin! Honestly, if I'm just standing there mindlessly pissing, why not make a game out of it? Why not go in a clown's mouth, like that game at carnivals where you have to be the first one to pop the balloon? Why not shoot moving targets? Why does pissing have to be so dull? I predict the coming years will bare witness to a stunning evolution of the urinal. New Mexico has taken an important first step. And sure, we're getting there...

But we've got a long way to go.


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