Retirement Home(less)

Three months ago I began contributing to my company's 401(k) plan. I was told that this was a "good idea" and that I needed to take personal responsibility for my "future" since Social Security--total misnomer, apparently--will be all dried up by the time I'm ready to retire.

Though somewhat dismayed, I decided to fork over the cash. I imagined my 401(k) climbing to absurd heights--someday, I figured, I'd need a massive vault for my untold riches. I'd dive into it every morning like Scrooge McDuck. But after three months, when the quarterly statement arrived, here's what I saw:

Not a great start. My personal rate of return is negative 1.8%. In other words, since I've begun "saving" for retirement, I've lost fifteen dollars. At this rate, by the time I'm 65, I'll have like 7 dollars. Factoring in inflation, I'll be lucky to get a pair of sweatpants from the Salvation Army.

At this point, the Ducktails vault seems unlikely.