Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Case For Hoboween

Am I the only one who thinks there should be Halloween for the homeless? I’ll probably never run for office, but if I do, instituting Homeless Halloween will be the only item on my agenda.

Allow me to explain. This past Halloween, as dozens of plump children pranced jovially from door-to-door collecting free candy, it occurred to me, just a few blocks away, some homeless guy was probably scraping three-day-old mozzarella cheese off a pizza box for dinner. I was overcome with the urge to find this person, disguise him as Spiderman, and send him off into the night to trick or treat. He’d eat for weeks!

In a perfect world, the homeless could celebrate Halloween on October 31st with the rest of the children, but that wouldn’t fly. Just imagine the consequences:

A homeless guy dressed like Sponge Bob Square Pants raps on a door impatiently. A little girl, dressed as Cinderella, and her older brother, Borat, approach the house. The homeless guy glances at Cinderella caustically. Tears begin to well up in her eyes. The front door swings open, revealing a smiley middle-aged woman with rosy cheeks.

Sponge Bob: Trick or treat!!

Borat & Cinderella: Trick or treat for Unicef!

Aww, how adorab—

Sponge Bob: Fuck Unicef! Gimme some damn pennies, I’m starvin’ bitch.

As you can see, Hoboween, as it will inevitably come to be known, will need to take place on a separate day. Perhaps during a colder month, like February.

In the weeks leading up to Hoboween, the ingenuity of the homeless community will shine through. We’ll see intricate costumes, crafted with care by skilled homeless artisans from recycled refuse cast aside by wasteful home-dwellers. As recycling and general philanthropy will be main tenets of Hoboween, it will be heralded as our nation’s first truly humanitarian, green holiday. We need Hoboween. Now, more than ever before. It will be a chance for homeless people to get a free meal, and for self-satisfied pricks to feel like they’re contributing to society. But most of all, even if only for a single night, it will ensure that this guy puts some fucking pants on. And I think that’s a cause we can all get behind.

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