'Roid Rage

As many of you know, the Mitchell Report is out. Since it's about five thousand pages long, I'll sum it up for you. A lot of baseball players use steroids. I know. Shocking.


Keeping steroids out of baseball to maintain the integrity of the sport is like keeping crack out of a crack pipe to maintain the integrity of the pipe. Crack is supposed to go in a crack pipe. And anabolic steroids are supposed to be shot into Rodger Clemens' ass. It's science.

I don't really see what all the fuss is about. A few months back, Mark Ecko nearly sent Barry Bonds' record-setting home run ball into space. SPACE! Like on a fucking rocket ship. Baseball "purists" were actually that pissed.

The truth is, baseball has been corrupt since its inception. In 1877, four players on the Louisville Grays were exposed as shills for gambling ring. In 1919, the infamous Chicago Black Sox threw the world series. There was Pete Rose in the 80s. And the list goes on, and on, and on.

The only thing impure about baseball is the prospect of fair play and sobriety. Baseball is boring enough as it is. And if I have to sit there for five and a half hours watching the first 6 innings, the least the players can do is be inhumanly good at it. Even if it means eating rhinoceros vitamins.