Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Whenever a short dude acts like a jackass, the phrase "Napoleon Complex" is bandied about. And when a guy owns a Bowflex and drives a Hummer, naturally, he's got a small penis. But no one ever seems to talk about the bald man/facial hair complex. I suppose, when a trend approaches ubiquity, it's quickly forgotten. But ask yourself, when's the last time you saw a bald man without facial hair?

There are so few bald men (with the exception of professional athletes) who don't have facial hair, it's almost impossible to think of one. To the best of my knowledge there are only two on the face of the planet. Steve Wilkos, the bodyguard from the Jerry Springer Show (who looks like a big retarded baby) and that deformed guy in Goonies who was locked in the basement begging for candy bars (who, for all intents and purposes, is a big retarded baby.) By the way, I'm not counting that ridiculous patch of peach-fuzz on top of Baby-Ruth's head as hair. I've decided the errant follicles are more the exception than the rule.

Now I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Howie Mandel does not count. He has a soul patch, which is considered facial hair, despite the well documented fact that it looks much more like his lower lip is going through late-stage puberty.

I don't really know where I was going with any of this. But I do know that if bald men don't grow facial hair they stand the chance of being compared to mentally challenged infants on second-rate blog. And a very good chance, at that, so long as I'm around.

I was literally just about to post this, when I thought of another bald white man without facial hair. And then I realized Mr. Clean is not a real person.


kk said...

I was thinking 'aha Evan!!! You forgot about Mr. Clean!!!" the entire time I read this. Alas...foiled again, by the last paragraph.

Although I don't think Chunk from the Goonies is technically a real person, either.

Shana said...

Um, turn around. Rob Mitchell sits about 100 feet away from you and he is a bald dude with a clean shave.

Evan said...

KK, it doesn't get realer than the guy in the basement in Goonies.

As for Rob, you're right! He's clearly a cut above the rest, though--able to pull off the look. He's got nothing to hide like that Steve Wilkos character.

Anonymous said...

Michael Chiklis, from The Shield

Evan said...

Also, I realized the Cheeseballs guy from MTV's True Life: I have a Jersey Shore Timeshare is bald.

He also happens to be one of my least favorite humans of all time.

Dan Shepler said...

but... you seem to overlook the incredibly large eyebrows being sported by Mr. Clean... do those count?

Sam said...

Actually Mr. Clean is real. The real Mr. Clean lives in Norman Oklahoma and the cartoon that is on tv is an animation of him. True story, His daughtor went to school with my sister.

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