Too Bad To Be True

A while back, I wrote about Mike Huckabee's shameless use of Chuck Norris in his campaign ad. I never thought anyone could out-stupid it. But I was wrong.

Somehow, as if he'd been practicing how to suck for years, Rudy Giuliani managed to make Mike Huckabee look like a guru. Which is not easy. It's right up there with trying to make Michael Jackson look like a human, or David Hasselhoff look sober.

Watch the video:



What follows is a chronological account of my inner monologue during this video:

1 Second: Hey, it's Mr. 9/11 Man!!
6 Seconds: Oh, you're having trouble finding time for Christmas shopping? Why don't you just embezzle campaign funds and hire a personal shopper? You know, kinda like how you used the NYPD to drive your mistress around when you were Mayor of New York.
15 Seconds: Sounds pretty good so fa--
16 Seconds: Strict constructionist judges!!? What the fuck! I don't recall asking Santa for any judges. Not even sane, practical ones.
18 Seconds: A FRUITCAKE!!?
20 Seconds: Thank God I wasn't the only one thinking that.
25 Seconds: You. Can't. Act. Stop it.
28 Seconds: Kill me.
30 Seconds: Well, on the bright side, at least he's not even buying this bullshit.

So... Huckabee's endorsed by Chuck Norris. Giuliani's got Santa in his camp. Oprah's touring the country with Obama. I wonder what's next? I'm guessing Romney's got something up his sleeve magical underwear.

Maybe he could use Payton Manning? He could use a few more commercials. Or, hey, what's Britney's deal these days? Maybe she could endorse Romney?

Wait. Is she married?

Maybe Romney could marry her! Purpose to her live during the Super Bowl!!

Wait. Is he married?

Sure, but no biggie, he's Mormon! He could get that Chris Crocker kid to scream "leave Romney alone" on YouTube, and have Britney make a music video about their Hollywood romance. Romney would be unstoppable. Well. Nearly unstoppable.


Now that would be unstoppable. All that's left is the campaign slogan. Anyone?